A little sex on the brain

Disclaimer: I wrote this myself, unless you think it's complete shite, in which case you can just skip ahead to that next blog - ok.

WARNING: This is a masturbation-free blog.

I hear some of you groaning in disappointment. Please stop that!

It's been 99 days since I last had sex ok - yes, I counted. So I'm feeling a little deprived at the moment, especially seeing as Adminguy left me in the lurch the other night. More so since it's spring and just about every bloody blogger seems to have gratuitous sex on the brain.

So desperate was this blogger that I was almost tempted pick up some guy for the night, during a recent girls night out. Shear lust alone was unfortunately not enough to override my delicate sensibilities. For I realised at that sex wasn't really what I was after.

It was the intimacy that I craved. Sure I was a little horny, but it is the connectedness that I needed. The oneness with another body that is indescribable. It has to be felt. I also realised I was not ready. Having ended a relationship (of sorts), my confidence has taken a bit if a knock. I was not quite sure a night of mindless ecstasy would be enough repair things on that front.
Sitting at the bar on Saturday night, watching the 'pick-up' show unfold, I wondered about my relationship with sex. For me sex has mostly been about an emotional connection. It always feels rather soulless without it. Sex is a miraculous act that has the ability to cheer one up, patch up a little bout of insecurity, or loneliness, fix a bad day t work, help you feel loved, pampered, cared for. Sometimes admittedly, it has been just horniness, a physical release and beats working out at the gym or cold showers.

I wonder about how it is possible to have great sex with someone you don’t care about, and terrible sex with someone you love. About how one sexual partner can feel emotionally connected, and the other not? How is it, that we can sometimes delude ourselves into believing that great sex equals an emotional connection? That in a pheromone induced state we can convince ourselves that this is a basis on which to found a relationship. I wonder how many of my youthful relationships were really founded on lust. I've seen extra marital affairs start on this basis and it isn't too long before they realise that the dynamic of the relationship is purely lust.
I was thinking about how bizarre an act of sex really is, if you think about it abstractly for a moment. I struggle to imagine some people having sex. A client and his wife have three kids, who I believe are a result of artificial insemination. Imagining them 'doing the deed' would be akin to watching a turtle mating with a penguin. I can't imagine it. I do not see any sensuality, intimacy, connectedness or love in their relationship. Not that any of those things need to be present for good sex. It is just 'a nice to have' - right?

One of my favourite songs by Bruce Springsteen.
Human Touch
You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don’t surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, ain’t no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain’t gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blesses my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I ain’t looking for praise or pity
I ain’t coming ’round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch
Ain’t no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain’t no bread from heavenly skies
Ain’t nobody drawing wine from this blood
It’s just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what I’m askin’s too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch
Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You can’t shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
We’re all riders on this train
So you’ve been broken and you’ve been hurt
Show me somebody who ain’t
Yeah, I know I ain’t nobody’s bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they don’t amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what I’m askin’s too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch
_________________________________________________________________

Comments

October 4, 2007 - 17:27 — Dolce
P.S. Fluts
loved this blog - especially the disclaimer. And DS's confessions about fellatio. (I reckon it's a control thing for him too.)

I know what you mean. I want to have the kind of growly, annihilistic, wicked sex I fantasize about, but I want it in the safety of a relationship that's about more than getting your rocks off. Someone I can also have really tender, soft sex with too.

But it's kinda gotta be mutual and I find that sexual compatability is really hard to find. So the relationship had better be worth it.

The sex rarely is.

And yeah. My bed is feeling a little cold at the moment. I could do with some human touch!

October 4, 2007 - 21:09 — Flutter
Thanks D..
I too enjoy adventurous sex but in the safety of a relationship and find get your rocks off really overrated. And finding a compatible sexual partner is quite a challenge. Of course finding a compatible partner is harder in itself.

October 4, 2007 - 17:39 — ds
dolce, of course it's a control thing
i pretty much said it was, no?
the question for me is, what isn't?

October 4, 2007 - 17:43 — Dolce
Sorry DS
been skim reading a bit.
I'm not dissing that, I also have control issues - which is why a lot of my imaginings involve either being in total control, or having control taken away from me. The question for me; is losing control such a terrible thing? And why do I need it? Like Fluts and Mort said, it's about not being good at being vulnerable. But I think the hardest hardest part about being human is learning to be vulnerable against the odds of being hurt or what ever out of control means.

October 4, 2007 - 17:51 — ds
dolce
"But I think the hardest hardest part about being human is learning to be vulnerable against the odds of being hurt or what ever out of control means."
being "the meek" is massively overrated...especially in a relationship...
so a little psychology... apparently what the female hysteric desires is not just a master, but a good master...like jane eyre...a master who would follow her advice

October 4, 2007 - 17:58 — Dolce
ShAheeesh, DS
So vulnerable for you =meek? I don't even know how to start with that on, except to say, haven't you ever just let yourself be yourself with someone. Even your mum or a close family friend. Someone who you let see the hurt places. The places you maybe don't like so much?
Or maybe you're just pulling my leg.
Who knows anymore.
And ja, like that jazz song (and I'm paraphrasing) "A man chases a woman until she catches him".

October 4, 2007 - 18:07 — ds
lol @ dolce
not my mum...that bitch is dangerous.
but ja, with my 'other' there is a closeness...and there i am not vulnerable or meek...just me. and in her i find one of the sources of my power...so i don't need to fall to rise.

October 4, 2007 - 18:14 — ds
although
even here...things are not exactly as they appear...

October 4, 2007 - 18:18 — Dolce
they never are
Mr Stoned. And being part of the great fluid wave of time and space and energy, they won't be the same tomorrow.
But that's the fun part, ain't it!

October 4, 2007 - 17:42 — morticia
books and coffee ds
when i am in company and the whole bloody bucket of dialogue is sloppy sex... i wonder:
"feckin hey man... dont these okes have books and coffee? is this ALL they do?"

October 4, 2007 - 17:45 — ds
haha
-

October 4, 2007 - 17:55 — morticia
i'm serious ds!
i'm becoming quite puritanical lately - the mystery is lost man - it's been done to death. you seen the frigging smirnoff ice ad or the dulux one? the whole freakin planet is sexually obsessed.

i went through a hectic phase of self doubt, resulting rebellion and total sexual apathy - because there was such enormous focus on the 'healthy norm' - the ' if you dont, he'll look elsewhere'... WTF? you get whores who are paid to shag you and then pay your bills and cook your dinner?

poor diablo walked about like a fecking vervet for months - punished and denied for something he didnt have anything to do with! lol! funnier to me than him, i tell you!
now it's like having a shit - i do it when i need to - but i dont make diary entries about it or compare notes with my mates over scones and cream.

October 4, 2007 - 18:01 — ds
mort
you absolutely correct...the catholic confessional made public...we not healthy unless we talking about sex...or our sexuality. i think there are real political reasons for this...which i won't bore you with...
but its a particular imaginary about sexual relations that often has very little to do with the real struggles in which sexuality is caught...
if you interested in this get Foucault's history of sexuality...i have only read the first volume, but it was very useful

October 4, 2007 - 18:09 — morticia
ds/dolce
ds: thanks for the tip - will try to find it at my local used book dealer. thanks goodness you get it - i was starting to think i was off track with that!
dolce - thanks for that! i just realised that i'm pretty darned lucky - i have THREE people i can do that with, and they have that freedom with me, i think. i couldnt possibly do it with family, in any form... but i've just been reminded that i should be more grateful for my 'no-blood' family additions!

October 4, 2007 - 18:26 — Dolce
Mort
yeah. I've got a couple too. More than I deserve.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams cherubs....
Good evening and good night...

October 4, 2007 - 18:23 — ds
mort
that i get it...ja, that's not an indication that you on the right track...perhaps the contrary

October 4, 2007 - 18:26 — morticia
nah ds...
i'm happy to settle for your track... makes sense

October 4, 2007 - 18:17 — Dolce
Maybe we're so sex obsessed
because we're doomed. Some species lay eggs or breed like, like...ah fekkit...like bunnies when they are under threat. Maybe we're just in our last, final, pre-extinction shagathon....
I need a glass of vino.
Jo'burg is so pretty at sunset.

October 4, 2007 - 18:25 — morticia
maybe vaps can give us the answer
it might have something to do with increased vibrational energy, pre planetary shift and the big boom... the sexual fervour seems to coincide with a tendency towards violence etc.
maybe people just read less. or maybe we're so desperate for any form of connection that
oh stuff that... maybe i need a shot!

October 4, 2007 - 19:00 — Vapour
The answer is
written in the blood, hurt, longing, tears and laughter of my fellow bloggers. It is right here in front of us, spoken through MJ, Mort, Flutts, Nossie, sundays, Ricegirl, Val, Semi, DS, Hiddy, KC, Arbs, Frallie, GM, Dusts, Ramon and Deksel (and anyone else who brings themselves here). There is no quick fix or summation that can encompass that which has been written down. It's the discourse of this place that is so shockingly beautiful, that makes me get up and walk outside and gasp. Under it perhaps is the need not so much to be loved, but to love and for that love to be looked forward to by another. And that’s all I want to say about that.

October 4, 2007 - 19:02 — kachasu
no, it's not
the answer is 42

October 4, 2007 - 19:03 — Vapour
Hahaha KC
nothing wrong with your memory!

October 4, 2007 - 18:26 — ds
haha
my partners father is staying with us tonight...so i can't smoke weed until he goes to bed...sucks big time.
anyway, i have chicken curry on the stove...i'll check in later

October 4, 2007 - 18:19 — ds
ironiclly it's the pollution
that makes it pretty
;)

October 4, 2007 - 18:23 — Dolce
I'm disappointed though
that we didn't get a corker of a thunderstorm today. I love them.
This reminds me. I must blog about an article I read on how to be happy. Have you heard of the Bhutan (sp) Gross National Happiness programme? Fekkin' fascinating.

October 3, 2007 - 23:39 — ds
sex
i dunno, for reasons that i don't really understand i am a little ambivalent to the emotional world of sex. In fact, the my deepening of my emotional connections with women have often run parallel to the waning of the sexual connection. or at least from my side. the women that are most desirable (for me) are those that stand outside my immediate reach (but they have to be hot, or at least have something about them). I am most happy (at least in this respect) when expressing myself sexually through a series of random encounters that last only as long as the first immaculate moment of recognition (usually just after you come together). i have been told this means i have "issues". i dunno.
On the other hand, i live a monogamous life as the price of having found my other (and never (again) doing something to fuck that up ). so ja sex is overrated

October 3, 2007 - 23:45 — dex
hmmm... ds
I think you need to go down more often.
;)

October 4, 2007 - 00:50 — ds
lol @ dex
indeed. so one of my stranger idiosyncrasies is that i don't like blow jobs, but i love going down on women. In fact, in another phase of my sexual career, it marked an important moment in my late adolescent courtship routine. see, upon the first opportunity that presented itself i would proceed to go down on my "new friend", taking great pleasure in bringing her to a violent climax. Then, with stoic restraint, i would defer penetration or even allow her to reciprocate the (oral) gesture (in fact the further she was from my organ the better). Instead, i would promptly find a reason to leave (even if i didn't want to), or if she was at my place i would excuse myself and go work in another room...my manner self-consciously warm but distant. The point was the asymmetry of the moment of recognition (which perhaps allows it to be prolonged)... and maybe even a cruel strategy to force her to begin questioning herself. This, and my distaste of blow jobs, is probably about my need to always define the terms of my sexual encounters...to always be in control (this is why it would have never worked out between us, dex). Anyway it made for an explosive second date, which was rarely followed by a third (well, unless she didn't want a third date...the women who are most successful at holding my attention (sexually) are also those who are the most indifferent to my limited charms).

October 4, 2007 - 09:35 — morticia
you and me both ds
i'm pretty much the same - in reverse. oral just doesnt blow my hair back... it's a vulnerable position to be in, and it somehow ' debases' the performer for me - makes them a little too eager to please.

i could attribute my perceptions to the fact that my initial sexual encounters were all about seeking power, and validation... but truthfully, i'm not sure about it all.
i am also most captivated by those who are indifferent - and while i have taken the same stance on commitment and balance in my own relationship, i am largely impervious to what my partner has to offer in the sexual sense. at times, i regret not being able to be captivated completely - because diablo certainly deserves adoration and power. perhaps he enjoys being challenged after all this time - the work in progress that i am.

nor do i confuse intimacy with the sexual act. i concede that the experience is enhanced by a spiritual connection, as the ladies have said, but i honestly wonder if we lose our ability to simply connect in a platonic embrace, curled into one another and sharing breath, without the complication or the pressure of culmination.
i have experienced life changing intimacy with members of the opposite sex and the same, whom i have never feasted on sexually.

conversely, i am seldom 'spiritually connected or comforted emotionally' during the sexual act... i may at times use it as a spiritual energy source - with intent, but never the fuzzy feelings saga.

i watched a doccie about a mormon man and his nine wives last week, fully prepared to sneer and condemn, rant about the abuse of feminine rights and religious conditioning. strangely, i was filled with empathy, still convinced that there was a measure of brainwashing, and unconvinced that the husband didnt have lustful intentions, rather than spiritual, but i was in awe of the wives - the love and compassion and strength - their devotion to one another and all the children. he was almost inconsequential in their daily lives - a provider and protector more than anything else. how can they live with the principle of shared conjugal privilege?
i guess they dont consider sex to be that important - there are other ways to be validated, loved, comforted, treasured. lawd knows... i couldnt live their life - but i certainly surprised myself with my reactions!

hmmm. come to think of it (npi)... i havent done the deed for two weeks. time to get my act together - no wonder diablo is leering and hinting lately!

October 4, 2007 - 09:50 — Flutter
DS & Mort..
I think we each have our own little quirks in the bedroom I guess. I don't have DS's hangups but like veryone I have certain preferences. Positions and acts that about dominace and strength do nothing for me. Personally I think those acts stem from huge issues/insecurities that people can only act out privately. I am a hugger, a cuddler, I like skin on skin and eye contact is very important. Seeing my partner turned on - is perhaps my single biggest turn-on.
Morty, so Diablo didn't get any for your anniversary? Jeez lady! Stop tormenting the poor oke and give him a little action wilya ;-)

October 4, 2007 - 16:53 — ds
fluts
so you think i have issues too? ...driven by my insecurities nog al. haha maybe you right

October 4, 2007 - 16:54 — ds
on the other hand
maybe sex is simply war by other means

October 4, 2007 - 17:06 — Flutter
DS..
By the number of questions posed in my blog - its clear I am confused myself. Although a few things you've said suggest to me that you have some issues. What is it exactly about oral sex that turns you off? Is it that you are not a good taker or that you like the power of giving without receiving anything in return? Or perhaps that you don't allow yourself to let go?
Sex? a war? I am pretty sure it shouldn't be. It's about being comfortable with giving and receiving for me. Again same issue I think - control, letting go??

October 4, 2007 - 17:26 — ds
fluts
what i don't understand is why its me that has "issues". Is it not perhaps that your perception is a romanticization. I am not saying that it is...but it strikes my that the hollywood narrative of human relations misses the fact that most sexual relations are deeply invested in power relations...whether acknowledged or not. One of the few poets i like (baudelaire), once suggested that all romantic entanglements have the nature of surgery...since one person is always being operated on, while someone else is doing the operating (and these roles often shift). i have to say, this way of seeing things, however jaded, is surprisingly close to my experience of the reality of human sexual relations.

October 4, 2007 - 19:54 — Flutter
DS..
... (in fact the further she was from my organ the better). Instead, i would promptly find a reason to leave (even if i didn't want to), or if she was at my place i would excuse myself and go work in another room...my manner self-consciously warm but distant.

DS I am no expert by the lengths to which you go to ensure a woman stays away from your 'organ' suggests some issues. Perhaps we need a guys view on this? Anyone? I could just be me but wouldn't it just be easier to have a conversation about sex, preferences etc. with your partner than have to duck 'n dive?

And no I don't think I romanticize sex - few woman romaticize fellatio let me tell you. It's more about pleasing and being pleased. I am also not terribly romantic in the bedroom (i've been told). For me personally it has little to do with power although I have know people to use sex as a means of obtaining/keeping power in a relationship. More often than not - women. I do agree that power is a big part of sex - it just does nothing for me.

Baudelaire has some twisted poetry about necrophillia and incest if memory serves (I have a book here somewhere) so I am not quite sure he is the best reference material. I find it hard to believe that you would compare your sexual experiences to surgery. It sounds awfully clinical and dettached. But ja, those are my perception/experiences and I guess those are yours.

October 4, 2007 - 21:37 — ds
fluts
yep, that's my boy Baudelaire. i also love de Sade and Bataille (but also Miller and roth)....go figure
but i hope you did realize that my organ was brought into play...but only within the unfolding rhythms of the "game" (maybe this is what tantra is about). and yes it is a game...and one that i believed i played well...or at least with a kind of clinical self-consciousness that worked desire...mine and that of others with whom i have played. this always suited my better than the neurosis filled demands of 'romance'...the fragile fantasy life whose background, it seems to me, is of made out of the very stuff that i make explicit.
but i am glad you moved from the normative position in which 'i have issues'.

October 4, 2007 - 21:43 — Flutter
DS...
But you know you have issues right? ;-)

October 4, 2007 - 22:04 — ds
fluts
i'm not normal. for sure. some folk might even have 'cause to believe that i am dangerous. and maybe i am...but if i allow myself an idle boast...i also smart (or smarter than a lot of people i know) and i don't suffer a lies easily and therein is where i believe many "issues" reside(but i think you might understand what i mean here). but yeah, i have issues. don't we all
thanks for the blog...it was fun

October 3, 2007 - 22:43 — Vapour
Flutts
the problem is that you are far too bright and sharp and witty. I enjoy your writing immensly, I really do. The questions that fall out of me are many.

October 3, 2007 - 22:51 — Flutter
Questions?
Thanks Vaps. I enjoy your writing too.

October 3, 2007 - 22:56 — Vapour
Flutts
so do you think it is the human that needs the sex and the spirit that needs the closeness?

October 3, 2007 - 23:05 — Flutter
Vaps..
I think we're fundementally animals. Our need for sex has evolved from a need to procreate to a recreation activity. We are social being - much like monkeys - caring, grooming, cuddling, asserting dominance, prowesss, strength, hierachy etc - is all very primal. Basically we're primates really.
That being said. It's incredible enjoyable and I do believe that the spirit would wither without closeness. I read an artical the other day that said single people would live alone are more prone to depression, illness and inactivity. I believe it. Also I used to do some work with sick kids and it's amazing how much quicker they recover with a little 'human touch'.

October 3, 2007 - 23:27 — Vapour
Ok Flutts
but if you need a touch or two, you know I'd be there in a jiffy (pun intended).
"Colour me your colour, baby
Colour me your car
Colour me your colour, darling
I know who you are
Come up off your colour chart
I know where you're coming from
Call me (call me) on the line
Call me, call me any, anytime
Call me (call me) my love
You can call me any day or night
Call me"
Hehehehe

October 4, 2007 - 09:35 — Flutter
Blondie Vaps?
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo, he speaks the languages of love
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo, amore, chiamami, chiamami
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo, appelle-moi mon cherie, appelle-moi
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any way
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any day-ay
Call me (call me) my love
Call me, call me any, anytime
Call me (call me) for a ride
Call me, call me for some overtime
Call me (call me) my love
Call me, call me in a sweet design
You're giving away you age china :-)

October 3, 2007 - 23:14 — Flutter
That gave me an idea Vaps...
Added thesong lyrics 'Human Touch' to my blog.
I gotta go back to work now. *sighhh!
Night all!

October 3, 2007 - 22:28 — kachasu
every time i have had sex
it's been for an emotional reason.

October 3, 2007 - 22:33 — Flutter
An emotional reason...
But have you always had an emotional connection with the person?

October 3, 2007 - 22:40 — marijayn
the best kind of sex
is when you have a spiritual connection...

October 3, 2007 - 22:50 — Flutter
Yes MJ...
Now if I can just find that spiritual connection...
I would be less frustrated :-)

October 3, 2007 - 22:56 — marijayn
hahaha
flutts,
you're thinking sometimes just finding a partner is hard, let alone the spircon right?
trust me, having a partner and no sc can be equally trying...

October 3, 2007 - 23:07 — Flutter
Ouch MJ...
Point taken. Been there done that and it didn't last long. It is very very trying.