There’s a demon in my review

So I have been doing a bit of a purge. An internal cleansing. A emotional detox. A mind vacumn. Ok that last one is a bit ambiguous. It’s a vacumn so there ain’t nutting to clean. My heart on the other hand has been coagulated with toxic people. Constricting my soul. Bending my already warped (and fragile) playing field.

I went to see a hynotherapist. Terribly interesting woman. A very serious don’t-fuck-with me disposition but soft sparkly green-grey eyes and spikey dark brown hair that’s straight out of a manga cartoon. She had a firm, soothing voice and spent a very long time explaining her thinking, how this worked, how it would benefit me and if I was ok with it all. I took it all in, trying desperatey to hide my nervousness, knowing full well that I wasn’t fooling her for one teensy little nanosecond.

We chatted for what seemed like hours until finally, after 90mins she told me she was leaving the room for 5 mins. I was to empty my bladder, get myself comfortable and take some long deep breaths. I tried, really I did, but succeeded only to reduce myself into a mild hyperventilative state.

She comes back and sits very close to me. A little too close, and rests her hand on my shoulder squeezing gently. I inhaled her herby aromatherapy scent and without a single word uttered from her, drifted into an incredibly relaxed state. It was all very surreal. The room grew very silent and all I wanted to do was shut my eyes and sink into slumber. As if sensing this she squeezed my shoulder and waved her hand infront of my face, keeping me focused. And so it began.

It started three months ago when I began having difficulty sleeping. Then the nightmares started again and very, very old festering wounds came bubbling to the surface once more. I had to go digging in them, again, to get them to heal. It is an ongoing process for me, this one of forgetting. Well maybe forgetting isn't exactly it - that would be impossible. More like letting it receed into the background. Where I know its there and I can draw from it’s darkness, only this time - strength instead of sadness and courage instead of fear.

I wonder sometime about our ability to sabotage our own lives on a subconsciece level. I wish I knew where the flick switch was so I could stop doing it. Wish I could cover it with 9 inches of concrete and never go there again. Never have to go there again. Why do I go there, again ?
So three and a half hours later I felt cleaner, free-er, healthier. Whole again. A lighter, a little brighter, like I had exorcised a few demons. Well, until next time that is. It never quite goes away, it just fades into the background. But only if I let it.
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Comments:

November 19, 2007 - 11:03 — Dolce
Fluts
I've often wondered if I could go under; got a pretty tight stranglehold on consciousness (read: control). But this has made me think...

November 19, 2007 - 08:24 — morticia
also want to flutts
but i want a regressive hypnotherapist - want to go waaay back - so will probably have to look at esoteric practitioners?

November 19, 2007 - 10:32 — Flutter
Hi Mort
The regressive stuff can be overwhelming. I didn't do the past lives thing but maybe one day. You will be surprised how many non-esoteric practictioners there are that do that stuff. Its not for everyone and one has to be braced.

November 19, 2007 - 10:58 — morticia
i've had some insight
but not in depth... from the esoterics - and it made a lot of sense - to me. i'm more afraid of spending the rest of my days not understanding the aspects of my soul that have no foundation is this life.

November 19, 2007 - 11:01 — Flutter
Morty
For the most part I feel the same - curiosty is a dangerous thing though. I just wonder how it all fits in. What lessons I have learnt in previous lives that I had skipped and how that come to unfold in this one. Context stuff but ja, most of us have enough work trying to figure our this lifetime.

November 19, 2007 - 09:04 — Arbchick
No Morts...more like
an EXCORCIST!! Sorry honey - couldn't resist...just yanking your braid!

November 19, 2007 - 09:06 — morticia
cheaper alternative?
a mean arsed biker in an obscure town, a carton of smokes and a bottle of rotgut - thats my kind of exorcise!

November 19, 2007 - 09:08 — Arbchick
Morts
there is no hope *sigh*
Oh, and thank God for that!

November 19, 2007 - 09:12 — morticia
good boys dont want me
well, except d - and i like people who have confronted bigger beasts than me. not into psychologists - i pay them to hear my self analysis - pointless.
again - the stain'd song we spoke of - maybe i seek what i see within myself - looking for home arb...

November 19, 2007 - 08:13 — Dusty Muffin
Fluts
Good on yer for confronting it. Your strength and resolve are a very good foundation. Hang in there!

November 19, 2007 - 10:33 — Flutter
Thanks Dust..
Its been a long hard road but I am getting there.

November 18, 2007 - 19:03 — Arbchick
Good for you fluts
and no they NEVER go away...those bad things, but if you're lucky, you will find ways of coping...looks like you have sweetness....good girl.

November 19, 2007 - 10:34 — Flutter
Arbie...
The biggest realisation I have made is accepting that these things never go away. Once you have mad that mind shift - everything fall into place a bit better and one finds alot of peace I find.

November 19, 2007 - 10:38 — Arbchick
True Flutter
But unfortunately, we don't live in a vacuum...influences in our lives sometimes awaken the dead. Anyway, this stuff - for another time, me thinks.

November 18, 2007 - 16:52 — kachasu
demons
hey flutts. that is brave of you. the way my demon-seeking has worked so far is that the longer i stay sober (nearly five years now) the more I find. i am grateful for that. because, if i had forced some of the memories, i may not have been able to cope with what came out of pandora's box. it seems that as long as i do what i can as far as working my steps, praying and meditating, the god of my own understanding gives me these things when i am strong enough to not feel agony.
after all, alcoholism is a symptom of something big black and ugly.
i have found that the inner saboteur me has slipped into the background and i recognise it when it shows its ugly little face. good luck. i thought about doing the hypnotherapy, but i am really glad i didn't. some of the things i have seen in myself and remembered would have shattered me into a million pieces if i were unprepared.

Novembents r 19, 2007 - 10:40 — Flutter
KC...
Our inner saboteurs are quite something aren't they? Self destructive little time bombs waiting to go off.

Hynotherapy is not for everyone. I tried it 7 years ago - unprepared and was completely beside myself. There is an interesting technique now that let people process things without remembering anything about the sessions until your therapist feels your (sub)/conscious mind can handle it. I was asked if I wanted the option but felt a bit nervous. You really have to really trust your therapist and be sure that they know what they are doing. I looked for the right person for a long time before deciding on her.

November 18, 2007 - 15:57 — dex
hey Flutsey
damned scary thing, i reckon - opening the door so someone can get inside your mind. You brave blogger.
glad to hear that it's helping.

November 19, 2007 - 10:42 — Flutter
Quiet daunting Dexie...
But oddly liberating. Sometimes in letting people see who you really are - the apparent shame of things is lost and you see that you are not this sad damaged person but just another person, struggling through issues. That you are really ok. Took me a while to figure that out.

November 18, 2007 - 14:23 — bluepete
frightened
hey flutter, I read this helpful quote yesterday. Bion says, "In every consulting room there ought to be two rather frightened people: the patient and the therapist. If they are not, one wonders why they are bothering to find out what everyone knows".
I think it's good to be a bit anxious, especially when you're facing some of the demons from the past. But, as you say, exorcising them a bit at a time is the only way.That's sort of what I was saying in my blog yesterday. We quiet the mind (through hypnotherapy, sleep, yoga whatever) and often quite scary stuff comes out. Then the challenge is either to run away from it or try to deal with it the best we can. Good luck, sister.

November 18, 2007 - 15:02 — Flutter
Hey BP
Thanks. Fortunately I am at the stage where I am not fighting it any more. Just desperate to get better - move on. Just sometimes I forget and slip back in that scary pit. It was an interesting experience I must say and the effects are incredible and quite instant - which is a little scary.

November 18, 2007 - 18:09 — nossie
Fluts
You be a brave, brave blogger...but they say one has to face those demons to conquer them...scary shit...but you've taken that first step so just keep going. Respect.

November 19, 2007 - 10:52 — Flutter
Thanks Nos...
You are quite a brave person yourself. A brave blogger too. Much respect.