Huggers and shakers

For some obscure reason men in a business enviroment are under the misguided impression that women do not shake hands. While they are all too happy to grope our bottoms and other fiddly bits or cop a feel in a pub or club the threat of ‘sexual harassment’ makes us untouchable at work.

I recently stretched out my hand to greet a contractor only to have him look me blankly in the face as if to say:
“You women. Me no shake.”
“Its ok, I don’t bite!" I chirp him “... not unless you want me too” I want to add. He was a yummy male specimen but as with many good looking men, the attraction is completely lost about 30 seconds after they open there mouths. It soon became apparent that ‘Contractor Man’ had the IQ of a brick, making him drop significantly in status as thirtysomething alpha studmuffin. But I digress.

You can get a pretty good idea about people from their body language. How they hug or shake hands is a very good sign of inter-specie relations. From my extensive experience working in a male dominated environment, I can tell you that there are four primary types of ‘shakers’.

1. The bone crusher; an insecure male who has to make it clear from the outset that he is in charge. You might be the project manager but 'me alpha MAN you subservient WOMAN'.
2. The non-shaker; happy to stare at you breasts but will not touch you. A closet mysoginist who has probably had a case of sexual harrasment filed against him as some stage.
3. The limp handshaker. Frankly there is nothing worse than someone making you feel like a leper with scabies.
4. The enlightened male. Need I say more. Unfortunately only 0.001% of the male population fall into this category.

With the exception of handymen, I hug everyone who enters my home. Some handymen I want to hug and maybe even cop a feel but I exercise restraint. I am a hugger and unless you are my lover - I do not kiss on the lips. I have several friends who enjoy giving me a big smacker on the kisser and it totally freaks me out! Turning my cheek the last 100 times has not given them a clue either.

Now there are essentially 7 broad types of huggers:

1. The two feet apart patter-on-the-backer.
2. The full body contact groper – weird distant relatives and inebriated aquanitences usually.
3. The bone crushing bear hugger - those suffering from alpha male syndrome usually.
4. The warm fuzzy bunny hugger who is essentially a good hugger but holds on for a second to two longer than he or she should.
5. The dancing hugger – one who hugs you and sways you from side to side. Why do people do that? When combined with ‘warm fuzzy hugger’ its even worse.
6. The non hugger – one who despite all efforts simply thrust there hand out clearly indicating an infringement of personal space and some childhood trauma.
7. The just right hugger. Sadly here again only a very small percentage of the population fall into this category.

OK! I'll restrain myself now. Don’t even get me started on kissers!